--Chapter 1--

~Day 1~

The corn fields bring me comfort. The soft yellows and greens are soothing. You can't change them, and they are all the same. I feel unique when I walk through them. I feel like one of a kind. And that feeling is the absolutely amazing. You don't even know.
 

*

Every night when I change I see the white and red streked scars. I run my hand over the skin. It feels soft and smooth, and doesn't feel tender anymore. I think back to when it stung to even just lay my finger over the scraped area. I look in the mirror. I force myself to say that I am beautiful, but the words come out in a stutter. Maybe one day I will be able to say it without feeling ugly at the same time. Maybe one day.

 *
 

~Day 4~

"What happened to your arm?"

I try to think fast, feeling the cold sweat come.

"Oh, I was climbing up a tree, and slipped a little bit. I guess I scraped it up a little bit more than I thought. Hmmm, oh well. "

Another day, another person, another lie.

~Day 5~

I pet the soft black fur of my cats. They are so lucky that they don't have to go through the hell of human life. My oldest cat, Lily, looks up at me and meows. She can feel my pain. She always could tell when I was happy or sad. I rub under her chin, she closes her eyes, and falls back asleep on my lap. Good night sweet baby girl. Sweet Dreams.


--Chapter 2--

~Day 7~

My mother and I sit in the church pew. Everyone else, but me, is bowing their heads, with their eyes closed, and listening to the soft voice of the preacher said a prayer. I look forward, thinking. I am in my own world again. No one else is there, just me.

~Day 8~

"Is anything wrong?"

I think, what do I say? Should I say something? No, it's not worth the risk.

"Nothing at all. Just thinking."

I smile; the lies come easy anymore. Though I just tell myself that it is to save hell from my loved ones. Not to mention me.

~Day 9~

To keep from letting the world know my pain, I am now forced to wear long sleves. Did I mention at all that it is the middle of August. Blazing hot. I can feel the burning from last night's damage working through my arm like an electrical current. I hide the pain on my face with smiles, and a carefree laughter. I  have been doing this for a little over six months now, and I have become a pro at it. The only thing I am good at.

~Day 10~

Listening to music helps me fights off the thoughts during the daytime. Every chance I get I put in my earphones and drown the world out. Rock music seems to be the best at distracting me. The guitar electrified, the banging of the drums, and the fast finger work of the keyboard blends together to make the in genus musical notes. The lyrics are screamed into your ear, and you can't but help want to jump up and down in the air and sing along. It is the best getaway, where you also stay in the same place at the same time.

~Day 11~

Nights bring a different story. When darkness falls nothing can fight over the thoughts that pour into my mind. Back when things started I could simply just look at the stars, and dream everything away. However now, nights and sleeping only bring nightmares. And I am the victim.
 

*       
 

I snap up from my bed. The nightmares still continue to haunt my sleep. The event is always the same. It beings from about four years earlier. Memories run like a movie in front of my face in a cloud form. It stops at about two years ago. I am laying on my stomach, on my bed, my legs up in the air, and my book laying below my face on the bed also. That was the time when I was naturally happy. I giggled at little things, and loved to run around having the time of my life. My father walks into my room. I was shocked and confused by the look on his face; it was a mixture of saddness and worry. He had our home phone in his right hand. He walks towards me. 

"I am so sorry honey."

I couldn't figure out why at the time he was saying this to me. Forty minutes later, tears running down my cheeks, and me escaping across our back field; I understood why. Alice would not be coming back. I tried again to close my eyes, and fall into a dreamless sleep.
 

*

--Chapter 3--

~Day 15~

I feel numb anymore; like no one is there. I keep everything locked inside of my; stored away and sealed from the rest of the world. No one knows what I do. And honestly, if it ever got out I would end it all. Everything, including myself.

~Day 16~

"You have to see your father. For God's sake he is your FATHER Elizabeth."

I can feel hot rage running through my blood and veins. I start to shake. He hurt me, he means nothing to me anymore.

"He isn't anymore. He hurt me. Hell, he hurt you, and now you want me to go back to being "Daddy's little Girl"?! No, I refuse."

She sighs and walks away. I know I hit her bulleyes by saying that. But he had made me do this to myself, and I will not EVER go back to him.
No, I won't.

~Day 17~

He keeps calling. I trun my phone off. Screw him. I go into the bathroom, close and lock the door, open the drawer, pull out the red stained rad and a small blue velvet jewerly box. I run my fingers over the blue velvet, just to feel the fur on it. I open it; the metal, my pain escape, lays in the ring pocket. I put the rag in my mouth. Bit down on it tight. I close my eyes and exhale. Just another night, another drop of red relief. Donation for the Red Cross.

~Day 18~

The cornfields bring me comfort. I lie on the ground, my head tucked away in the hood of my gray velvet jacket. I look up, and see the white cotton of the clouds. They just float along minding their own busniess. I think they are so incredibily lucky. They get to see the world, while I stay stuck here. I so desperatly wish to travel.

~Day 19~

Sick, at least that is what I tell my mother. It's not completely untrue. That is what 4 sleeping pills, and 2 depression happy pills will do to you I guess.

~Day 20~

Today marks 7 months. 7 months of both relief and pain. 7 months of thoughts. 7 months of nightmares. 7 months of wondering. 7 months of living. 7 months of lies.

~Day 21~

"I'm your father. You can't just go on believing that I don't exist. I will always be apart of your life. You can't treat me this way."

I hear glass break.
The phone line goes dead.
He always had an anger problem.
Asshole.
He doesn't exist.

~Day 22~

Happy Birthday to you, 
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Elizabeth,
Happy Birthday to you.

It is midnight; I lay awake. Fifteen.

--Chapter 4--

~Day 26~

Significant Figure Rule: Leading zeros are NEVER significant.

I feel like a leading zero. Worthless. Ignored. Alone. I wonder if things might ever be normal again. Maybe it's time I tell someone. I just have to get this out. I have to be able to talk to somenone. I desperatly don't want to end up like Alice. Please don't let me end up like Alice. Please.

~Day 27~

"I can't hear you; you are talking too quietly. Speak up woman."

I hear him smile.
Trying to get me to talk.
I walk into my closet. Hide in the corner. My bottom lip quivers. There is no easy way to do this.

"I cut."

The words barely make sound, I almost thought that he couldn't hear me again.
Silence.
One Word.

"Shit."

He heard.

~Day 28~

So basically I am totally depressed now. I don't have an appetite, I cry every couple of hours, started taking some pills, and have been moping around even more. I even moped at school. I just said I was sick, because honestly what else am I suppose to say.....?

"Yeah, I'm not sick. I am just depressed. I cut, and have been for the past 7 months. Screw the world."

NO. That is not an option. Maybe one day I will have the courage to tell somone that. But anytime I try and say "I cut" it comes out in a retarded stutter. I just LOVE the human brain. By the way, that was what we call sarcasim, and if you didn't get it, then you are an idiot. Have a GREAT FUCKING day!

~Day 29~

Significant Figure Rule: Tapped zeros are ALWAYS significant.

Popular kids, I hate them. They go around acting all preppy and pippy. There is drama going on non-stop. They have sex all over the place. One known fact about popular kids: if you are not a trapped zero, and are one of those outside numbers, then you don't matter. You are nothing to them. Way to boost our self confidence, society!

*
I can remember when Juliet, yes that is her real name, a popular girl, found out when I was in the guidance office. Let me explain. It would be about 3 months ago. It was raining cats and dogs outside. Here is an image for you: a sheet poured down onto earth for about three hours straight. When we got off the bus, there was water everywhere of course. However if you didn't look close enough, there was water puddles the size of a small earth crater. And if you combine not looking for them plus running you get tripping. Which is exactly what happened to me; I tripped and fell into a water puddle. I was soaked from head to toe. Disgusting. So obviously I had to go get dry clothes from the nurse, and I even asked her if she might have a jacket because I was very COLD. I went into the bathroom to change. This next part is really my own stupidity. I change my pants and shrit in the stall, but waited to put on my jacket when I looked in a mirror. I didn't account for the cheerleading group of girls that would come in. One thing lead to another; one of the girls saw, not sure which one, and told the guidance counselor. My parents were called and here I am today. But some point when I was talking to counselor Juliet overhead, and there goes the rumors spreading faster than wildfire.

*

--Chapter 5--

~Day 31~

Josh wants to meet with me. Ever since I told him I have been petrified to talk to him. He seemed so angry on the phone that day. If only he knew about how much I need the relief. Please let him understand what I am going through. Please. I need him.

~Day 32~

"Show me"

I shake my head. I don't want him to see my weakness.

"Now. I need to see how much damage has happened. I need to know if I need to take this further."

I start to tremble. I can feel the warm wetness fill my eyes.
I pause.
I don't think I can do it.
He grabs my arm.
I flinch, and then moan. Inhale, exhale.
He understand that his grip was a little too tight. More gently he rolls up my sleve on my left arm. There are about 3 dozens scratch marks all perfectly lined up in rows. They go from my elbow to my wrist. I can see winch as the sight, and pain fills his eyes. The tear escapes from the corner of my eye.

"Why?"

It was only a soft whisper. Barely making sound.

"An addiction."

He is surprised to hear me answer his question. He rolls the sleve back down my arm. He looks
 down at his hand folds neatly on top of one another. His face turns pale. 
Silence comes.

~Day 35~

After what happened we stared at each other and the table in silence for another twenty minutes. Then he had to go. I continued to sit there for another hour and let the tears run down my face, not caring who would walk by, and ignoring any glance are whispers from the audiance around me. I haven't talked to him since.
I wonder what he could possibly be thinking.

~Day 36~

I am going to drive myself crazy. Anixety over comes my thougths, I need to know what he is thinking. I need to know what he is doing. Did he tell someone else? Will my parenst find out? Is this the way it is oging to end?  I have to talk to him. I pick up my cell and speed dial his number.

"Hello?"

"We need to talk."

"No, I can't, I won't."

The words turn into acid, and run through my veins.

~Day 39~

I locked myself in my room. My body under the covers. I left a small air pocket open for oxygen. This time the nightmare has changed.Josh justs walks past me, ignoring me. He acts like we were never friends; acts like there was never something more there. I jerk up. It's not a nighmare, it's a reality. I cry and turn back over onto my side.
Reality. I rather be dead.

~Day 40~

Damage Done.
I screwed up, yet again.
Oh well, who gives a damn anymore.
Screw this world.

~Day 41~

My phone rings; my heart pounds.
It's him.
Oh, thank goodness.

~Day 42~

"I'm sorry I have been such a jerk lately, I just was so upset. Why didn't I see this, why didn't I know?
Why didn't I........"

He studders. I can feel the guilt radiating off of him.

"No, no, no. Please don't blame this on yourself. You couldn't have known. I wouldn't have let you know. I am so sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I thought I could get over...this... but it just ended up turning into something so much worse and so much more powerful. An addiction. With only one goal in mind; destroy everything."

"Well it's succeeding. Very well."

I let the tears run down.

"I'm...I'm....sorry."

I choke on the words.
He wraps me in a hug.
I continue to weep on his chest.
He feels so secure.